“It's a full lifestyle make-over -- a make better show where straight guys turn in their pleats for flat fronts, learn about wines that don't come in a jug and come to understand why hand soap is not a good shampoo (and vice versa). When the journey is done, a freshly scrubbed, newly enlightened, ultra-hip man emerges.”

--Press release from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” Bravo Television

Oh my gawd. Ted, look at this -- pop open the fridge -- I dare you. What? Another ketchup and beer scene? Oh my! Barbecue! What is that? Pick it up. I'm not touching it. What the -- well-done goat? Tres bizzaro. What do you think, Jai? I kind of dig the music collection, he sure does have a lot of choral works -- are you sure this guy is straight? Kyan, I think he ripped this interior decoration style off that Victoria Secret catalog like two years ago. Does this guy even have a bathroom? This is horrrribbbble! Wait -- he's coming -- everybody pipe down. Oh my gawd.  

Shut up, shut up, shut up. This is like the biggest challenge we've ever had. I don't know, Carson, I think the long flowing robes are kind of chic. Chic? He looks like he's wearing a bed sheet -- which is what I'd like to see him in later tonight -- do me daddy -- but really, robes? That is so Jim Belushi Animal House. What do you think, Kyan? Yum. He's adorable. That mane reminds me of Fabio. I'm keeping the mane -- it just needs to be teased a bit – I'm just worried about the nose hair situation.... Nose hair alert! Nose hair alert! Let's get to work.  

So, we're sitting here, in your totally new pad -- I know you are wondering, “What is this?” -- we call it furniture! We took that big gold Laz-Y-Boy or whatever down to the Salvation Army. But here you are, and you look just fabulous -- I look at you and I see that you are exuding both power and grace -- that balance is so important. Freshly scrubbed, newly enlightened, ultra hip -- yum. You go, God.